EDITORIAL & OPINION — Busang’s casting call — Coming attraction

It is part of the human condition to seek comic relief when matters become too serious, which might explain the outbreak of black humor on Bay Street as investors in Bre-X Minerals await the results of a 6-hole audit drilling program completed by Strathcona Minerals Services at the Busang property in Kalimantan, Indonesia.

Bre-X and Busang have become household words across North America, where almost everyone has a theory about the fate of Michael de Guzman and whether or not gold exists at Busang.

The Internet, in particular, has become a popular way to share theories about how Freeport McMoRan Copper & Gold might have messed up — accidentally on purpose, nudge-nudge, wink-wink — when it drilled the property and found “insignificant amounts” of gold. Some say the company “absent-mindedly” tested the core only for copper, conveniently ignoring the gold, while others have concocted intricate conspiracies that would do justice to Oliver Stone.

Meanwhile, books contracts are being signed, and “Bre-X: The Movie” will soon be on its way to a theatre near you. Bay Street brokers and Howe Street promoters already are speculating on who will play Bre-X President David Walsh. If the Strathcona audit produces results similar to Freeport’s, Rick Moranis may have the inside track to play Walsh in “Honey, I Shrunk the Deposit.” The dialogue won’t be hard to learn either, being generally restricted to the phrases: “We stand by our numbers” and “There is a well-oiled misinformation campaign working against us.”

John Felderhof should play himself, for who else could portray the craggy-faced, jungle-weary geologist with a chronic case of deposit envy looking to make the big score? If Felderhof is otherwise indisposed, Jack Nicholson should be able to step into the role, once he is trained to glare menacingly whenever the words “Barrick Gold” are uttered.

Antonio Banderas, the epitome of the Latin Lover, has been suggested for the part of “Juan de Guzman,” though he would have to gain a few pounds first. This part of the movie could include a few musical numbers, including de Guzman’s own special rendition of “I Did It My Way” and “The Merry Wives of Busang.” Though, perhaps, Banderas might be better suited to take on the role of Nesbitt Burns mining analyst Egizio Bianchini.

If the Bre-X movie is named “Apocalypse CoW,” Marlon Brando might be lured from semi-retirement to make a cameo appearance as President Suharto. Barrick Chairman Peter Munk would have to play himself, as no one can think of an actor with a Hungarian accent and enough flair to do him justice, though the name Anthony Hopkins has come up once or twice.

Teck President Norman Keevil is reported to have already given the movie idea some thought, suggesting that Sean Connery would be the best man to play him in “The Battle for Busang.”

Any Hollywood game-show host should be able to play Bre-X spokesman Steven McAnulty, as long as this supporting actor realizes his compensation package will not be anywhere near the $22 million McAnulty and his wife pulled in last year.

Unfortunately, for millions of Bre-X investors, Busang is not a movie but a real-life drama involving their hard-earned dollars. No matter what the outcome of Strathcona’s audit, many will be seeking answers about what went wrong at Busang, and why.

Some changes may have to be made to the way mineral exploration is conducted, particularly in foreign jurisdictions. The reforms do not have to be costly or time-consuming, but they should include common-sense guidelines on how to manage risk and protect investors. If ever there was a time for industry leadership from both the mining and regulatory communities, this is it.